In 1979 I remember a day very clearly that I wish never happened. I was in the 4th grade & my class was getting information on different Presidents. My teacher, Ms. Burke was explaining to us that we would be writing a report on a President (our choice) and she was showing us how to get information. I was looking @ different Presidents and came across Zachary Taylor. I was reading his biography and got to the section of how he died. The article mentioned that his death was caused from heat stroke. At that moment, my first episode with anxiety had arrived. My heart was racing at an uncontrollable rate, and my palms were sweating. I felt nausea, dizzy and scared. What I witnessed was a full blown panic attack and hundreds more followed.
I still question and wonder how the word heat stroke could send me into such frenzy? Was it even that word? Or was it the word death that completely freaked me out? I really had nowhere to turn. I would attempt to talk to my mom and she would do everything in her power to calm me down or make me feel better. It did help for a short time, but a few days or weeks later I would read about cancer, or watch shows that would have a character that had a disease and I would be back to my “Panic Frenzy State”.
Remember the show, “Happy Days’? I loved that show until Chachi got diagnosed with diabetes. Every time I peed a lot or was thirsty I would melt down. So the diseases I had in the past? Brace yourself…..cancer, diabetes (thanks Chachi), MS, AIDS, and drum roll…..African sleeping sickness. I know, I know, it all seems funny now and yes, I can certainly laugh at myself. However, back then in the moment when my fear took over I would literally feel me becoming crippled inside. As a child that sucked!
So, how did I overcome this anxiety disorder? Let’s just say it took strength, breathing (lots of it), and I talked to GOD a lot! When I had Avery, these attacks still came consistently. When she was 6 months old, I had enough and went to my doctor. She walked in the room and I broke down crying and shaking. Her one reaction? She grabbed her pen and wrote on her prescription pad, ripped the paper and said take this, and see me in 30 days. I was given no counseling, no consoling, nothing! I was given a freaking drug to make the pain go away.
I felt that this piece of paper was my only option at the time and no one could understand this disease I had. It was a disease that had every symptom of every other disease but more intensified. It literally sucked the energy and life out of me at times. It was kicking my ass and I felt out of control and helpless. As I am writing this now, tears are in my eyes and that intense feeling is penetrating through me. I cannot begin to imagine how I survived this without getting admitted into a hospital.
I decided to take this “drug” for 1 month. Did it help? Yes. How did it help? Well, I slept better and felt like a Zombie at the same time, which was not working for me or my 7 month old. I immediately switched doctors and fell in love with my new one. We were in her office for over an hour, unlike the 12 minute visit with the previous doctor. We discussed anxiety and she made me understand how powerful it can be and how the symptoms mimic any other disease I am nervous about. She explained to me my two choices. She said, “You can take another anxiety medication, or you can take control of your own life”. This sounds easy to some, but for me that was never the case until her next comment. “If you decide to go on any anxiety medications you should really be consistent with it and you cannot go on and off, and on and off of the med.” My decision was made……this was a no brainer. TAKE CONTROL or slowly lose my identity to a foreign object taken orally, which would take control over who I was. This was not happening, nor was it an option. I loved who I was, I liked my energy when I was not panic stricken and I loved being a mom and a wife and I felt that I was pretty good at it without medications.
The baby steps to this journey began and I do not want anyone to think this happened over night. It took about 5 to 6 years before I was completely at ease whenever I heard the word cancer, symptom or anything that used to overcome my feelings. I read books, I went for runs or walks and I started following some of the teachings of Buddhism. Please be aware I am not promoting any type of religion or belief right now. I am just saying what worked for me. I am also not judging anyone’s decision to go on any type of medication. I just could not go down that road. I enjoy compassion, I try to live with harmony, and fear is not allowed or accepted anymore as of today! Yes, today…… Let me explain.
I recently began Bikram Yoga (the type of yoga practiced in a 104 degree room). Well I had a setback on day 8 and experienced that “panic’ again. I was in a pose and all of a sudden I felt dizzy, nausea and immediately stood up and fled the room. I felt like I was reading about President Taylor all over again. I took the next day off and went again this morning. Driving there, anxiety was flowing through me. What if this happened again?
I walked in the room and just decided to have a conversation with God. It went something like this,”Alright God, I need you on my side right now. I need strength and guidance to get through these next 90 minutes. Please do not leave me hanging”. The response? “You are greatness and that greatness will always complete you, now lose the fear and move on”. That was it in a nutshell. The class was great, the fear is no more and I have never in my life felt so connected or strong about my love for God. I love all of you and if any of you suffer from any type of anxiety, I am here for you. Only you however can decide to TAKE CONTROL.
Some of you never knew me in my “anxiety” ridden days and some of you did. To those who did not, I hope you may find your inner strength and connect with your greatness. To those of you, who did know me in these scary times, thank you for being patient and kind and doing your best to understand. At that time you were my rocks & now you are my friends until the end.
Peace and love,
sandi
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